McGan's Meditations
Michael McGan, the author of Fleeting Thoughts and The Hamster Never Sleeps, ponders time travel... and gets his trousers in a twist*

Exploring Time Travel
Travelling into the future would be cool, right? It could probably be done, we are told by scientists, if we could attain the speed of light. One hundred and eighty six thousand miles per second. So what's the big deal? Let's pretend that you could run a hundred meters in ten seconds. Where would that get you? One hundred meters down the road, ten seconds into what was the future, and now you're limping. What you need is a space ship, one that can travel at the speed of light.

Once at the speed of light time stands still for you. But back on Earth, your kids have joined senior groups, the IRS is looking for you and your back taxes, and lastly, NASA closes down due to budget cuts so landing could be a problem. But hey, you are into the future, man! You want to go back. But how?

Scientists tell us that the only way to go backward in time is through a worm hole. Not the ones out in your backyard, so don't go greasing yourself up or anything, unless you're into that sort of thing. Whatever. These worm holes are hypothetical shortcuts that connect two distant points in the universe. (Are there any hypothetical rest stops where you could maybe get a burger and let your dog take a wiz?) A corridor where we could travel hundreds of light years in a matter of seconds. This would make it pretty tricky getting back to the exact time you left..

Back into the past. You would have to be really careful because anything you would say or do could change the course of history for everyone. Say your grandfather was a shoe salesman. You decide to drop into his shop, and you're wearing your space boots. He is amazed by them and asks to try them on. He starts jumping around and trips, stumbling out the door and knocking down a very attractive woman, who is not your grandmother. He apologizes, she accepts, and they make a dinner date. Now look what you've done. You've got to nip this in the bud before something comes of it or you might not exist! What do you do now? You've got to get the sidewalk babe out of town. Maybe a telegram:

You have inherited a million dollars from your uncle Preston in Philadelphia. But in order to be eligible for this inheritance, you must not be involved with a man. Also, you must come at once. Get a room at the Holiday Inn and wait until we contact you. Barnes, Barnes, and Burns

So you get that all straightened out and you're walking down the street, when suddenly, you're run over by a milk wagon and killed. Now you're pretty much dead all the way around until your mother has you again, or for the first time actually. I don't know... Do you have a headache yet? I do..

McGan's Meditations
Michael McGan, the author of Fleeting Thoughts and The Hamster Never Sleeps, looks a potential life changing purchases that no one should be without...

Someone recently gave me a New Age* type magazine to read because they want to open my mind to certain things. They think that I'm too rigid in my spiritual beliefs, which basically means that I won't dismiss the bible and start hanging crystals from my rear-view mirror. I haven't yet gotten to any of the articles in this magazine, which I'm sure are interesting in a ‘Weekly Star' sort of way that makes sane people giggle, due to the fact that the ads throughout the magazine are so attractive.

There is a ‘Wishing Machine' that amplifies brain waves and makes your wishes come true. I wish I knew about this about thirty years ago. It has apparently been "proven effective in lab tests". Labs are easy, try it on a Pug. I can buy the device ready to use for close to two hundred dollars, or for $25.00 I can buy the plans and put it together myself. Like that's gonna happen. Listen, I wouldn't so much as bring unassembled patio furniture home and be forced to deal with the crippling stress of all those nuts, bolts and instructions that might as well be curious primitive cave drawings for all the chance that I'm going to understand them, let alone the complexities of a ‘Wish Machine'. I would rather pay someone handy to assemble it for me. Sometimes it's just worth it.

There is also a ‘Hyperdimensional Resonator', ready to use for about four hundred smackers. It causes an out-of-body experience or astral projection, whichever comes first apparently. This device will allow you to travel in time and space to any location.

The way I see it, out of the two, I'd buy the cheaper ‘Wishing Machine' and just wish my way through time and space to any location I chose. With the money I save, I could also buy the ‘Immortality Kit' which claims to allow you to live for well over two hundred years, which is not in fact forever, and still have plenty left over for a couple of pints and a cheeseburger at the location of my choice. It's a no-brainer. I was all set to pull out my credit card and purchase these fine products, when my mind opened up and told my hands to close the magazine. It was an open and shut case.

The Nestlé Aero Book Club
Two of our favourite things... Books and Chocolate. Amanda Holden has teamed up with Nestlé to promote the Aero Book Club, the perfect way to relax. For more information go to the Nestlé Aero Book Club page where you can find out more about Amanda Holden, six of her Favourite Books and forthcoming titles, as well as details for entering the New Woman competitions to win the reviewed books and a month's supply of Aero… you could even get the chance to have your own short story published in New Woman. For more information on The Aero Book Club go to the website, www.aero-bookclub.co.uk which basically takes you to the New Woman Book Club page at www.newwoman.co.uk/aero. Hopefully we will add more details as the months progress.
Admin 16th July 2006

McGan's Meditations
Michael McGan, the author of Fleeting Thoughts and The Hamster Never Sleeps, considers larger fruits as the sensible way to go...

Watermelons Could Add Years To Your Life...

Robin Hood stole from the rich and gave to the poor. Was he a saint or a sinner? A hero or a criminal? But more importantly, how good was he at archery? Could he shoot an apple off of someone's head, like William Tell did? (If you ever find yourself in the awkward situation of agreeing to support the target with your head, demand a much larger fruit!) You would not only have to trust the archer completely, but somehow achieve a zen-like state of non-movement yourself. Hopefully your tights wouldn't be bunching up at that crucial moment. I don't know, I think there might be a few casualties in Sherwood Forest. Here is what might run in the obits afterward:

“Fidgeting James, 38, died suddenly yesterday as a result of a target shooting accident. Born in Swankshire, Terrington Bristall, Noughtenton, Langford Eshirly, Willmingshire, England, he later moved to Sherwood Forest where things were much simpler and addressing letters didn't give him writer's cramp. He was a longtime resident in the forest. Fidgeting James worked as a blacksmith before joining Robin Hood's band of merry men, where he was fond of swilling ale, throwing horseshoes, and basically fidgeting about. Contributions should be sent to the ‘Fidgeting James Memorial Foundation for The Restless' at Sherwood Forest.”

McGan's Meditations
Michael McGan, the author of Fleeting Thoughts and The Hamster Never Sleeps, takes a look at rap music...

As much as my parents did not "get" rock music, at this stage of my life, I don't "get" rap music. I feel like a parent in the sixties, trying to figure out what they are really saying in Louie Louie. I can sometimes decipher a word or phrase in a rap song, which isn't bad for a middle-aged white guy who still thinks a "rap session" would be where you sit down and have a deep discussion about serious topics, like the state of today's music industry, and how the big radio stations refuse to play any song by an artist that questions the direction in which the world is headed, and is not a song filled with mindless drivel about getting drunk, high, or having sex. It's all about distracting the masses from the big picture while they all cash in, man.

I am seriously considering trying to cash in myself. Take this rap deal, for instance. I think that I could fake my way through this. Get me some of that "bling - bling." Is that hyphenated? Anyway, I'll get one of those little keyboards with the built-in drum beats, hit a few random notes, repeat it throughout the entire song, and spew out a string of nasty, barely decipherable words that may rhyme, or may not, depending on my mood.

For my music video, I'll wait until I'm a bit cranky and maybe even irregular. Nothing like a touch of constipation to give you that edgy, dangerous look. I'll scowl into the camera, wave my hands around making all kinds of interesting configurations with my fingers, fold my arms and stand in such a way as to give off some serious attitude. Yeeah, yeeah, yeeah! Then, I might need a nap.