Looking for a new job?
Here are some power verbs for your resume, and some examples of how to use them effectively.

On a daily basis: I appraised work schedules and charted the easiest course for myself which enabled me to spend more time getting familiarised with an attractive co-worker who was shaped very nicely. I asked her if she exercised and recommended that we go out for a drink sometime but she maintained her position and confided in me the fact that she had contracted something that could be transmitted and advised me to back off. Around the workplace, I regularly communicated my general dissatisfaction to co-workers and fabricated elaborate excuses for not being able to perform my duties. I convinced my boss that I had mastered my job and was always hard at work, as I demonstrated strong acting skills which included sustained sighs as I improvised dialogue creating the illusion that I was actually doing something important. Many employees were amused by my actions. It was soon indicated that I displayed excellent work ethics and should be assigned to an elevated level of responsibility. This raised a few eyebrows around the office, which was justified, and it was soon suggested by several people that my work history should be investigated rather than having my position upgraded. I was actually relieved when it was stated that perhaps this promotion was not properly conceptualized, and that the whole matter should be reviewed immediately. I was told that if these accusations were substantiated I would be restored to my former position immediately until my case was further scrutinised. I was later informed that management had been enlightened, the situation was being rectified, and that I was being terminated. As you can see, I was an employee that initiated action and would be a good addition to your company if hired.

Thoughts on God and Stuff…
Does God have a beard? In paintings, He always has a beard. But that is because in biblical times, everyone had beards. You look at a painting of a shepherd with some goats, the shepherd has a beard, the goats have beards... everybody has a beard. It's even quite possible that the women back then had beards as well, they just covered them up with veils. Granted, these are just artists' conceptions of what God looks like. I would bet that the artists had beards. We really don’t know for certain, and many of you could care less, but I'm kind of curious.

I don't know much about the style of sandals that were worn two thousand years ago. What if they were like the "flip-flops" we wear to the beach. Jesus walks by, flip-flop flip-flop. His followers hear Jesus going by and run to catch up, flip-flop flip-flop flip-flop... He's trying to speak to everyone, but nobody can hear what's being said, flip-flop flip-flop... a thousand times over. Just a deafening roar of flip-flops.

"I hope somebody writes all that down because I couldn't hear a word He said."

"Look! He's moving on! Let's go!"

Flip-flop flip-flop...

There comes a time during the mass or service of most Christian denominations, where you receive communion. At this point, you rise and head for the altar. Many times, I'd be chewing gum. So I'd swallow it because you are about to put a wafer of bread in your mouth that is symbolic of the bread broken at The Last Supper. The priest hands me the wafer and says, "The body of Christ." I put it in my mouth and swallow it. Now I'm thinking "Right now, in my stomach, I have the body of Christ mixing with a wad of Bazooka Joe. That can't be good."

Speaking of God, I got to wondering recently, who cuts God's hair. Does he trim it Himself? If we are talking about eternity, that is staggering number of hair cuts. There must be a barber shop or salon in Heaven. Would you have to make an appointment, I wonder? Are walk-ins accepted? Maybe you float in.

If there is no life on other planets, why did God make the cosmos so freakin' big? Did He just get carried away? Is it a guy thing? Or is it that we’re not supposed to know for some reason. Maybe the same deal that we have here on Earth is going on somewhere else and we’ll only get to find out when the game is over. The bible says that on the seventh day God rested. So, the next day He wakes up, He's fresh, and He's looking at another 51 weeks to round out the year. How does He fill those? C’mon.