No, this is not about that Gloria Gayner song from the seventies, but about people who are getting ready for The Zombie Apocalypse. Sounds like the name of a heavy metal band doesnt it? What it really means is any type of life changing event that would be really, really bad such as a total financial collapse, a rapidly spreading disease, natural disaster on a large scale or actual flesh eating zombies roaming the country side. Hey, it could happen. This phrase comes from a preparedness piece by the CDC. They recommend that you have three days worth of food and water in your home for each family member. This includes enough beer for your deadbeat brother who will show up empty handed as soon as the news hits. According to the survival experts you should scold him for not prepping by saying something like Too bad, so sad. Then give him enough food for the day and send him packing, unless he has skills that might come in handy. Your brother can whistle the classics and play the spoons? Awesome, hes in! So what if he eats like a horse, the entertainment factor is priceless after the fit hits the shan and you cant watch Idol anyway.

Another agency called The Red Cross recommends three weeks worth of food and water per family member and all kinds of other things you should have on hand, such as flashlights, batteries (duh!), candles and (duh!) matches, blankets, medicines and much more. This resource is actually very good. The problem with following these suggestions, especially suggestions recommended by the government, is that by being prepared with these things you have become a hoarder of things that make you look suspicious to the afore mentioned government. What kind of kook are you, storing three weeks worth of food and water in your basement? Is some of that food freeze dried? Survival food? OMG! Youre definitely up to something.

There are websites and blogs that give all kinds of information on how to get through tough times such as survivalblog.com, which is viewed by people all over the world. In the UK there is uk-preppers.co.uk and they all give links to other sites. Some of them are about simple things that our grandparents used to do like canning food. I cannot understand why they call it canning when they put these foods in glass jars. Why isnt it jarring? This is never explained and has kept me awake many a night. Other sites are more hard-core and get into guns, cammo clothes, defending perimeters etc. Cheery stuff indeed. Listen, I dont want to be Rambo Im just looking to cook my freeze dried scrambled eggs and bacon in the post-apocalyptic morning even if I do have to do it over an open fire. Or a solar cook stove, eh? Although some sites often offer articles on things like economic, political, and social topics I try not to frequent these more radical sites. They may be talking about dragging people off to FEMA camps (that dont existreally or do they?) for having three days worth of food or a statue of the Virgin Mary on your front lawn. It all becomes very depressing. What has the world come to?

Someone at work recommended that I check out a show called Doomsday Preppers. I watched about ten minutes of it. There was a man who said he invented this shovel with serrated edges which he said you could use as a weapon when you run out of bullets (hello?) and he proceeded to demonstrate its effectiveness on a pig carcass which he had hanging. Pass the popcorn, honey? Next he was buying cargo containers that he was going to bury in the desert and have his family live in. Thats when it hit me, enough of this crap. I cant take it. So I switched it over to a show where they were converting ordinary cars into ridiculously long stretch limos and it was quite funny. Not a zombie in site.

This survival/preparedness subject can be quite addictive. I have been hooked on the genre for some time. It doesnt make you bad to be reading this stuff, but after a while, it might make you crazy.

Michael McGan - 31st March 2012