One of the most beautiful and awe-inspiring places in the world is the Grand Canyon in the the state of Arizona, who's state motto is "It's very hot, but it's a dry heat". The Grand Canyon is a massive chasm that has been carved by the Colorado River over millennia. If you stand up on the rim of the canyon and look down, it is a mile from where you are to the river below, which leaves you lots of time to examine your life on the way down if you are savagely attacked by a deer or squirrel (which are apparently abundant and sometimes aggressive) and stumble over the edge with one of them attached to your jugular. Large Elk are also dangerous in rutting season, the reason being that despite the fact they put up "Do Not Disturb" signs, they can get no privacy and thus, become frustrated and bitter.

The National Park Service's website warns us that all of these animals have become addicted to the types of food eaten by humans. The reason for this is that good-natured, yet dippy, people feed them things like "Little Debbie Snack Cakes". The site goes on to warn you to discourage animals from approaching you like strung-out crack heads due to the danger of serious bites, being kicked, or gored. And that was just the Squirrels!

You don't want animals to come near you at all. This is best done by not bathing with soap, not using deodorants, colognes, toothpaste or breath mints for days, or just to be safe, weeks, before your visit so they won't even know you're there. Other visitors sure will, but that's too bad for them. Let them be squirrel bait.

Try not to eat anything at all the day of your visit because it will leave a scent on you. I can't stress enough that you should avoid the hot dogs with "the works" available at the concession stand at all costs because the animals have their furry noses in the air and are extremely crazed and hungry. Why you actually need a hot dog in the bun when you are laying on "the works" is beyond me. Why don't you just have "the works" on a bun and spare the hot dog the embarrassment of feeling so inadequate?

The park receives four million visitors a year, many of them wearing socks with sandals, a subject that draws a line on the fashion runway and divides mankind in general. After extensive research via "Google", I have discovered bulletin boards that discuss the subject in depth. One comment was that this person thought socks with sandals were only worn by "middle aged Brits". Another person said that in their extensive travels through Europe, the Germans seemed to be the worst offenders. Others think American tourists are leading the world in this fashion faux pas. Proponents of this trend claim that socks were worn with sandals as far back as Plato, who was so bold that he went with Argyles, and gave it no thought whatsoever.

But getting back to nature, the very next line of the Grand Canyon National Parks website warning on animals is: "Enjoy the wildlife from a distance." Your hotel room should be a safe enough distance, I would think. Ask the identity and species of anyone who knocks on your door claiming to be room service.

But seriously, you should really go and experience the Grand Canyon, which averages around ten miles wide in most places and can not be jumped by individuals on a motor scooter despite what anyone tells you or encourages you to do, such as strapping a rocket to yourself and lighting the fuse or using any ACME products to enable you to jump over the canyon. If it didn't work for the coyote in the "Roadrunner" cartoons, it won't work for you.

Enjoy the awe-inspiring vistas of The Grand Canyon but keep your eye out for those pesky varmints.

Note : No animals were harmed in the writing of this article… except maybe the over amorous Elk that says all this extra publicity is getting it no ‘quality’ time.

Michael McGan - 30th September 2004